The Most Radical Form of Self-Love & Choosing You Even When It's Uncomfortable

In this episode of Hell Yes Habits, Elyse Bushard explores the themes of self-love, personal growth, and navigating change. She discusses the importance of authenticity and self-approval over external validation, emphasizing that true self-love involves making difficult choices and setting boundaries. Elyse shares her personal experiences with change and the internal battles that arise when stepping into one's true self. The episode encourages listeners to embrace their journey of self-discovery and to prioritize their own well-being.

Episdoe Takeaways

• This podcast talks about the hard things that people should discuss
• Self-love is about being yourself, even at a cost
• Life rearranges when you step into deeper self-love
• Choosing self-approval over external approval is crucial
• Self-love involves setting boundaries and having hard conversations
• Being misunderstood is sometimes the price of being real
• Real alignment has ripple effects on relationships
• You can be kind and still stand your ground
• The goal is internal peace, not universal approval
• You're allowed to evolve and outgrow dynamics

Transcript

Elyse Bushard (00:01.727)
hello, hello, everyone. Welcome back to Helly Yes Habits as I sit here on my bed with my podcast light on. If you don't follow me on Instagram, I got this podcast light from some amazing person at work who like supports my podcast. And she like, it's amazing. It's like a glowing neon light. And of course I had to find a place for it.

And since you know by listening to this, record in my bedroom. And it's very casual here, as you'll find out if you listen to previous episodes as well. But as I sit here, it is Sunday. It is the day after Valentine's Day. And it had me thinking, well, first of all, I apologize for, actually, I don't apologize because

I feel like I needed to go through some things in order to come back full force and give you the best of me. also, you know, if you've listened to this podcast, it is like I'm going through stuff and I this is not a podcast where you're listening to me and I'm telling you all these things that are going well. Like this podcast talks about the hard things. It talks about the things

that maybe people don't talk about but should talk about. And it talks about the hard, the messy, the in-between, the everything. And so welcome back if you're back and you've listened before. And I'm Elise. And the premise of this podcast, if this is your first podcast, welcome, is that we build habits that help us create.

a life that feels like a full body hell yes, not just something that looks good on paper. That's where the name Hell Yes Habits comes from. But it also just talks about real life. It talks about things that I'm struggling with, what's helped me, what's not helped me, all the things. And today's episode in particular, it's been a long time coming. I feel like I've learned like,

Elyse Bushard (02:23.936)
a trillion lessons that could be podcast within like the past three or four months. It's just been like one after another. And I think it is because I'm in a season right now where I feel more like myself than I ever have unapologetically. I feel more grounded. I feel more clear, less apologetic and just less like

putting on a show for everyone else and more just doing what aligns for me. And weirdly, at this exact same time, life keeps throwing change at me. And I think that's just the way life works, right? If you wanna tell God or the universe your plans, he'll laugh at you. And so at...

whether it be shifts, transitions, rearrangements in relationships and things in my life, and just things that I didn't necessarily ask for, but after I went through them, I see why it happened, even though it was hard when I was going through it. And I've been sitting with this question, and I think most of you can relate to this, is while I'm going through all of this,

is I'm sitting with this question, is this falling apart or is this falling into alignment with who I need to be and what feels good for me, which maybe doesn't make sense to anyone else but me. And I think the answer is this, when you step into deeper self-love, your life rearranges. That's the answer.

really as I dive into this I want you to know that like again all of this stuff is hard but like I come to you with an open heart open mind and like I know that you heard me say the name self-love and when we think of self-love I am NOT talking about bubble baths and

Elyse Bushard (04:46.592)
false affirmations as you look in the mirror. Yes, sometimes I need that, but I am talking about the deepest form of self-love and not the cookie cutter version that you see or people like randomly think of. And it's choosing to be yourself even when it costs you approval from other people or things in your life. It's saying,

This is what I want, this is what I need, this is who I am. And it's then after saying all of that, it's being willing to let the chips or the people or relationships fall where they may and accept you for who you are or not. Because here's the truth, when you start making decisions from alignment instead of fear,

Not everyone is gonna like it. Not everyone is gonna think and agree with the direction that you're headed. And some people like the version of you who is overextended, overexplained, over accommodated, over functioned. And when you stop doing that, it disrupts dynamics, it shifts energy, it exp...

poses where you were performing instead of living. And that can honestly, that's hard. It can feel like loss because it can come in the form of relationships in your life that used to be close. And I'm talking about friendships, family, whatever, and also just things that used to align with you or routines that no longer do. And that can feel like a loss.

And I am not saying that that's not hard or that is not cause for grief. Because we grieve things and moments in our life just as much as we grieve relationships and shifts and changes in that. But here's what's wild though, is even when you know you're more aligned, there's still a battle inside.

Elyse Bushard (07:10.17)
One part of you says, this feels right, I feel stronger, I feel clear, and usually that's when you're by yourself, right? And you're like, this is great, like this feels great. And then another part whispers, but what if they don't understand? But what if I'm too much now? What if I'm not enough? And that internal tension doesn't mean you're actually confused. It means you're...

in the process of unlearning a lifetime of people, and a lifetime of people pleasing, sorry, a lifetime of people pleasing and conditioning. So you're shifting from the question, like, am I accepted, to am I authentic? And that shift is one of the bravest acts of self-love that there is.

Elyse Bushard (08:12.343)
And I think it's important to say, hold on, let me have a sip of water. Drink water.

Elyse Bushard (08:24.234)
And where was I? I lost my flow here. But I needed to drink water. And that was your reminder to drink water as well. Because when we're hydrated, we're happier. anyways, so that is the bravest acts of self-love there is. Shifting from am I accepted to am I authentic? And again, that's hard.

But let's talk more now about the part that's been hitting me a lot lately is why does it feel like the moment you step into yourself, life starts moving everything else around? And here's what I'm starting to believe because I'm in it right now is when you stop shrinking yourself,

you stop fitting in spaces that were built for a smaller version of you. I'm gonna say that one more time. When you stop shrinking yourself, you stop fitting in spaces that were built for a smaller version of you. So your relationships adjust. That's one of the biggest ones that's happening for me right now. And opportunity shift.

conversations change. Maybe they get harder. Maybe they don't happen. Maybe it's in a different direction than you ever anticipated. And then your tolerance also changes. You put up more boundaries. That's where that comes in. And it can feel, which is what I'm feeling right now, actually I'm dwindling down from the chaos, but it can feel like chaos. And...

I think what I'm realizing it is it actually is making it more aligned and clear. Like it's giving me clarity. But it because it's like calibration, right? It's not chaos. It's calibration and alignment that's happening. And if you're more honest and more aligned and more yourself than anything that depended on you being less of that.

Elyse Bushard (10:42.191)
won't feel stable anymore, won't feel aligned, and is almost an easier immediate no for us. And that's not punishment. That's just pruning away what doesn't need to be there anymore. And the pruning and change and taking things away and the boundaries feels brutal before it feels beautiful, if that makes sense.

So what is the habit here that I wanna talk about? It's basically, you wanna choose self-approval over external approval. We talked a lot about on previous podcasts, I have a whole episode actually that's all about comparison. If you wanna scroll back to that, I forget which one, I think it's three, think so, if my memory serves. But not the...

It's choosing self-approval over external approval. So not in a rebellious, like, I don't care about any one way, but in a grounded, secure way that says, I care about people, but I care about not abandoning myself more. And that is self-love. So.

Elyse Bushard (12:04.829)
Let me give you an example of what I'm going through right now is I have had to have a lot of hard conversations recently in friendship, in family, at work. And a lot of things have come up to the surface for me that I was identifying myself as something else and they have different perspectives. People are always gonna have different perspectives.

perspectives than you, that's what makes the world go round. I'm not saying that that is the cause of problem. What I am saying is that I was never...

Secure in who I was enough to defend when someone else's opinion came up and said I was something until I realized That everyone there there's gonna be people that don't like me There's gonna be a lot of people that don't like me In fact, there's been a lot recently that we've had conflicts and they don't like me and it's not an attack at me personally because I

don't believe that I am that person and the people that love me and know me know I'm not that person. And I never thought that that was enough until it got thrown in my face repeatedly recently that all of these people's opinions, like let them have them, let them, and let me put up boundaries

with certain people stand up for myself in certain situations that make sense and just realize that once I say my piece, maybe we agree to disagree, but I know myself and I know what I value and the person I wanna be enough that I am not going to sacrifice that.

Elyse Bushard (14:14.375)
to become what they think I am and apologize for it. I will apologize that they have that perspective of me and then reassure them that I am not that person. And there's a way to do both. And that's the power of and. I can be a kind person with a kind heart and still tell people to F off every now and then.

Like you can be both. That's the power of and. And so in doing all of that and all of that being experienced in numerous friendships recently where I have just had to stand my ground and be like, no, like that was wrong in my eyes or that was not the right way to go about it. And this is what I value in friendship and

So I'm going to tell you how I feel. I'm not gonna argue with you about it, but I am gonna tell you how I feel and I need you to know that. But then we're gonna move on and I'm gonna have a little bit more of a boundary. Like that's my choice. And so there's different versions of this, but I've had to experience a lot lately of different facets of my life at work with family members where

Self-love, where I'm realizing that self-love isn't just saying nice things to yourself or taking a bubble bath. It's setting boundaries even when your voice shakes or you don't wanna have a hard conversations. It's making the decision that makes sense to you, even if it confuses someone else. It's accepting that being misunderstood is sometimes

just the price of being real. And here's the hard truth, okay? If you're being fully yourself and absolutely no one is uncomfortable, you might still be editing yourself a little bit. Because real alignment has ripple effects and there is gonna be one or two people that don't like,

Elyse Bushard (16:38.054)
agree with you or don't agree with the direction and that's okay. It is okay for people not to like you and I say that as being someone who grew up just being told I'm nice all the time. Which by the way I'm gonna go off on a little bit of a tangent but like when we identify people as certain things growing up and I feel like this happened a lot with millennial and boomer parents if you have

boomer parents or like that two generation age gap. But also I see it in my family like with my cousins. We're telling them there's certain type of way and personality and then they grow up thinking that they're that. But maybe they're not that or maybe it's hindering them from actually becoming themselves because

We've put a box around them. So anyways, that was a little bit of a tangent, but that made me think of that is like, I am a nice person. I am, but I can still tell people to fuck off every once in a while. Like you can, and that's the power of and. I can be both because I am a person with my own opinions.

and when you push me too far, I'm gonna tell you how I feel. And so you might still be editing if it's not a little bit uncomfortable to be yourself. And the biggest battle that I'm finding right now isn't actually with other people.

It is within myself. It's to stay rooted in your decisions when doubt creeps in. It's not running back to old versions of yourself just because they felt familiar and comfortable. And it's letting life rearrange without assuming it means you messed up. Maybe the changes aren't proof that you did something wrong.

Elyse Bushard (19:05.409)
and maybe they're proof that you stopped betraying yourself and life is just responding to that accordingly. yeah, I mean, I know this was kind of like a self-love episode with a twist, but you know how I like to do it here. It's just whatever I'm going through and what's on my mind. So if you're in this, but what I wanna say,

is closing this. If you're in a season where you feel like, feel more like yourself than ever and everything around you feels like it's shifting, well first of all you're not alone because I am going through that. I hope I'm not done going through that but I hope I could get a break because recently I've just had a lot at once. But I want

to tell you that if you're feeling like this, you're not crazy, you're not selfish for putting yourself first and trying to figure out all of this stuff at once, and you're not losing it. I promise. You might just be loving yourself in a deeper way than you ever have before. And the best kind of self-love, if you will, isn't loud. It's actually steady. And it says,

I choose me not over everyone else, but alongside everyone else. And you're allowed, I just wanna give you permission also, is that you're allowed to outgrow dynamics, you're allowed to evolve, and you're allowed to be misunderstood at any point in your life. Because the goal was never universal approval.

The goal was internal peace. And choosing that, everyone, that's a hell yes. That is what we're going for, that feeling. So if this resonated with you, please reach out to me. I would love to hear from you guys. My goal with this is just to build a community and a hell yes habit community because

Elyse Bushard (21:28.845)
Well first of all that sounds cool, but also second of all, I like, I don't get paid off of this and I'm gonna be more consistent with this. I'm not just gonna say that, I'm gonna actually do it because it makes me feel better to talk with you all even though I'm in a room by myself talking. But I want to, I wanna be more consistent with this and I,

I want this to be a space where we all feel heard and seen and also a space that we can laugh because sometimes I say crazy shit on here. But I love you all. Thank you so much for listening and share this episode if you think it will resonate with any of your friends or you think you'll like it. That's the only way that this gets spread. Or DM me on Instagram at Elise Bashard.

All that is in the show notes and thank you guys. Bye!