A New Way to Think About Boundaries

In this episode of Hell Yes Habits, Elyse Bushard explores the transformative power of setting boundaries in relationships. She emphasizes that boundaries are not walls that isolate us but bridges that foster connection and understanding. Elyse shares personal insights and practical strategies for implementing boundaries effectively, highlighting the importance of self-care and communication in maintaining healthy relationships. The conversation encourages listeners to view boundaries as essential tools for personal growth and emotional well-being.

Episode Takeaways

• Boundaries are not walls; they are bridges that foster connection.
• Setting boundaries can prevent resentment and exhaustion in relationships.
• People cannot read your mind; communicate your needs clearly.
• You have the power to choose your boundaries, even with family.
• Boundaries help you show up as your best self in relationships.
• Using 'I' statements can make boundary-setting less confrontational.
• Expect discomfort when setting boundaries, but don't fear disaster.
• Visualize building a bridge when establishing boundaries.
• Boundaries are sacred and essential for maintaining peace.
• Healthy relationships require clear communication and mutual respect.

Transcript

Elyse Bushard (00:02)
Hey friends, welcome back to another episode of Hell Yes Habits, the podcast where we talk about building habits that help you create a life you're actually excited to wake up to. That's what we're all about here. It says it in the intro, but I always like to repeat it a little bit. Let me paint a picture for you. It is 9.38 p.m. on a Sunday in Colorado, if you're listening, and I am sitting on my bed.

with a green face mask on. really, promised that, originally I promised that this podcast would come every Friday. Fridays for me right now are just unrealistic. I'm tending to be really tired and not wanting to come at you with the energy that I want to come at you at this podcast. So you're gonna get it weekly. You're just gonna get it.

sporadically on different days. Like I'm gonna load this after I'm done. yeah, and last week I kind of went over what was going on in my life. This week I kind of just want to dive into the topic and honestly it's a topic that changed my life once I started to understand it and that is boundaries. Now

If you just felt your stomach clench a little when I said that word, I get it. Boundaries can feel intimidating. They can feel like you are putting pressure on someone else that you don't want to. Sometimes they sound like walls, ⁓ like isolation, like saying no so much that people shut out. But here's the actual truth.

I want to unpack today is that boundaries aren't walls, they're bridges. When done right, ⁓ boundaries don't push people away, they actually help you connect better. And I'm gonna break down what that means. ⁓ A lot of us grew up with this misconception that boundaries are something that is selfish. Maybe you've heard things like,

family is family and you just deal with it or if you loved me you wouldn't need space from me. Do any of those sound familiar? That mindset makes boundaries feel like rejection. Like if I tell you this is what I need then I'm pushing you out. But here's the kicker without boundaries

relationships actually get messier, more resentful, and honestly, just exhausting. Think of it like this. Imagine like a house, if you will, with no fence, no doors, no locks. Anybody can walk in whenever they want, rearrange the furniture, eat out of your fridge. Ooh, by the way, don't eat out of my fridge, especially if I have leftovers. ⁓ I had a roommate.

⁓ in college that we'd eat my leftover food and I like lost it. Like if you watch Friends when he like freaks out about his sandwich, because it's like, I love food, so like sometimes I plan like lunch leftovers if you eat my food without asking and I had thought it's just another level. Anyways.

That was a quick food tangent, but like, they eat out of your fridge, they take your living room, so there's someone in your, they take over your living room. And at first, maybe it just feels generous. Like, look how open I am, look how much I care, I'm letting people come and go whenever they please. But pretty soon, you start feeling resentful. You're drained, you're tiptoeing in your own house.

⁓ That's what relationships without boundaries feels like. Stay with me here. And then we wonder why we start avoiding phone calls or why we dread certain conversations with people on our lives. It's not because we don't care. It's literally because there's no structure in place to care in a healthy way. People don't know what you don't tell them.

I have a whole episode about that. And it's one of the lessons that I've learned just like within this past year of my life. And it's helped improve multiple relationships in my life. But people don't know what you don't tell them, so like there is a structure in place to care in a healthy way. ⁓ Here's another big piece of this though. You can't choose

like your bloodline, your family, for instance. You don't get to choose the family you were born into. You don't get to decide if your mom was overbearing or your brother is manipulative or if your aunt feels entitled or grandma feels entitled to comment on your weight every Thanksgiving. Like those are things that just happen, right? But here's what you can choose. You can choose your boundaries. You have the power and

That is, it's so empowering to have power. That's redundant, I know, but like, it's empowering. It just means your family story doesn't have to dictate your piece. Your lineage doesn't have to decide your future, and just because you didn't choose them doesn't mean you don't have choices. ⁓ I used to think setting a boundary with family

was the same as saying, I don't love you anymore. Like going from one extreme to the other. Like if I limited how often I visited or if I said, I'm not available for that conversation, it would be this big dramatic rejection. But what I've learned and what I want you to take away is that boundaries are actually how you make room for love to survive.

Because when you set that boundary, you're saying, this is my space. This is the space where I can show up as my best self. This is how I can stay connected to you without burning out or resenting you. Because they don't want to be around you when you're feeling like that or you're angry or you're whatever you're feeling. Like people respond to different energies and so,

even your family, and so you wanna give them the best version of you, and doing so, and boundaries help you do so. And boundaries are not the opposite of love. They're the conditions where love can actually last. So now that we kinda discussed family, let's talk about boundaries as bridges. So,

we're reframing this as instead of thinking boundaries as walls, like in the beginning, think of them as bridges. A wall, for instance, says, stay out, I don't want to deal with you anymore. A bridge says, here's the way we can meet in the middle. Example, so let's say every time you talk to your mom, the conversation drifts into politics and

you end up fighting, you could cut her off completely, that's a wall, or you could say, mom, I love talking to you, but I'm not available for political debates. If the conversation goes there, I'm going to change the subject. That is a way, instead of getting mad, that you can effectively set up boundaries where, like, it's hard to be mad at something like that. I'm gonna...

Repeat that. Mom, love talking to you, but I'm not available for political debates. If the conversation goes there, just expect I'm going to change the subject. Like, think about that. Like, how can you... Like, I mean, granted, you can't control how your mom or whoever it is is gonna react to something like that, but like, it's very hard to react to something like that negatively when someone is respectfully... Like, I don't suggest you yell this.

Like it needs to come across in a tone that like is, doesn't make them defensive, right? But like, that's a bridge. That's saying, I want to keep connecting with you, but here's how we do it in a way that doesn't destroy us and doesn't end in an argument. Cause I guarantee your mom doesn't wanna argue with you if.

she brings that up. Maybe she does. I don't know your mom. But like, again, just an example. But like, or maybe you have a friend who's always calling last minute, expecting you to drop everything. A wall would be ignoring their calls completely. A bridge is saying, I love hanging out, but I need more notice. Can we play?

a few days ahead so I can give you my best energy. See the difference? The boundary doesn't kill the relationship. It actually saves it. And it gives it opportunity to grow versus you just shutting it down. And shutting it down is also powerful and sometimes you might come to a point where that has to happen. But it shouldn't necessarily be your

first, your first action, you should try to build that bridge and try to meet them in the middle.

And there's various ways you can do this. You could do this ⁓ by talking to someone. You could do this through a text message to start the conversation. Whatever like your relationship and you normally communicate them with by. With, you normally communicate to them. Words are hard. ⁓

Here, like, and you know, I love to break down how you can actually implement some of these things. And so here is like a four step, like way of thinking of how you make boundaries a habit for you ⁓ and build those bridges as well. ⁓ Number one is check in with your energy. Like after interactions with someone, ask yourself,

Do you feel drained or do you feel connected? That answer usually tells you where a boundary is missing. ⁓ Number two is use I statements. Boundaries work best when they're about your needs, but not about shaming the other person. Instead of you're always late and it's disrespectful, try I feel stressed when plans start late.

So I need to leave on time. That way you're not blaming them. You are in fact just talking about yourself, which again can make it so they are not defensive. Number three is expect discomfort, not disaster. So it's normal to feel guilty or nervous when you first set a boundary. It just is. But guilt is just the

price of admission to peace. And the more you practice this, the easier it gets. So that's number three, expect that discomfort, but don't expect it to be a disaster. And number four is visualize that bridge. So when you're about to set a boundary, literally picture yourself building a bridge. You're not cutting off that connection. You're creating a path.

where connection is sustainable and where they can meet you halfway if they care enough about their relationship, right? You can't make someone care. That's what's hard too, is if you put yourself out there and you're halfway across the bridge, they have to come the other part of the way across the bridge. It doesn't work otherwise. You can't make someone care and it can't just be a one-sided relationship.

So that's it, like the boundaries is bridges. It's such a powerful concept in my opinion, because I feel like there's such negativity around it. But here's the truth. I want you to think about this today. Boundaries aren't selfish, they're actually sacred. They don't push people away and they show people how to stay close.

in a way that doesn't cost you your peace, right? Because we have to protect our own peace. And in the instance of family, family's hard, right? You may not have chosen your family, but you can absolutely choose your boundaries around that family. And in doing that, you choose the kind of relationships you want to build and what kind of relationship with them.

that you want. Maybe it comes to the point where you just see them over Christmas. Like that could just be what ⁓ needs to happen. and yeah, you, but you have the choice to do that and that's what boundaries help you do. And they're that bridge to having the relationship with that person.

that you want to have. But yeah, that's it. And now that my face mask that at the beginning was soft is now hardening and it's hard to move my mouth. I'm gonna leave you with that. that, if this landed with you though, share it with someone who might need to hear it too. Or maybe that family or friend that you, that member that you,

⁓ want to build a bridge with and make it like a conversation starter. And remember though, the habits that you build today are the bridges to the life you want tomorrow. Until next time, keep saying hell yes to the habits that bring you closer to who you're meant to be. Love you guys.