The Strength in Saying "I Can't Do This Alone"

In this episode of Hell Yes Habits, Elyse Bushard discusses the importance of asking for help and how it can transform our lives. She shares her personal struggles with vulnerability and the fear of being a burden, particularly as an Enneagram Two. Elyse emphasizes that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a wise choice that can lead to personal growth and connection. She provides practical tips for normalizing the act of seeking assistance and encourages listeners to embrace their humanity by reaching out for support.

Takeaways

• Asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.
• Many people struggle with the fear of being a burden.
• The Enneagram can help us understand our tendencies.
• Normalizing help can prevent burnout and exhaustion.
• Starting small can make asking for help easier.
• Being specific about your needs helps others assist you better.
• Your worth is not tied to your ability to do everything alone.
• Vulnerability fosters deeper connections with others.
• Everyone needs help at some point in their lives.
• Practicing asking for help can rewire your brain. 

#HellYesHabits #Help #AskForHelp #PersonalGrowth

Transcript

Elyse Bushard (00:06)
welcome to Hell Yes Habits. I'm Elyse, a marketing professional by day and your go-to coach for building the habits that create a life you can't wait to wake up to. I'm so glad you're here. This podcast is all about ditching the just fine mindset and making room for the magic in your everyday life. And let me tell you, this isn't just a podcast. It's the start of a movement, a Hell Yes Habits movement.

It's about breaking out of autopilot, showing up for yourself in ways that matter, and creating small but powerful habits that lead to a big, bold, hell yes kind of life. Each week, we'll have real, honest conversations about juggling all the things, career, relationships, family, and those moments when you just need you time. I'll share actionable tips, lessons from my own journey,

and inspiration to help you stop settling and start thriving, baby. You in?, let's do this.

Elyse Bushard (01:16)
Hello, hello. Hey friends. Welcome back to Helly S Habits, the place where we ditch the life guilt, the quiet shoulds, and choose a life that actually lights us up. It makes us say hell yes. Today, we're gonna talk about something that I know so many of us, myself included, a lot, if I'm being honest, have struggled with, and that is asking for

help. And when I say this, I don't mean like casually saying, hey, can you go grab me a coffee? I mean like the vulnerable, scary, I can't do this alone kind of help. The kind of help that makes your chest tighten just thinking about it because you'd rather just do it yourself. It'd be easier if you just did it yourself.

And really, you're saying it's uncomfortable to ask for help. ⁓ Is what I'm, is what I remind myself. I have to remind myself this on the daily, almost, maybe weekly, maybe not daily. ⁓ But yes, this one's for my fellow, quote unquote, I'm fine people. And you know what I mean when people ask you and you're like, I'm fine, even though maybe you're not.

even though it's just like, or I'm okay, ⁓ I'm fine. When someone says I'm fine, the truth is they really are not fine. And as an Enneagram too, I'll get into what Enneagrams are and remind you if you're not sure, ⁓ I am AKA the helper, quote, this, so this topic actually cuts very deep and very personal for me. ⁓

If you're familiar with the Enneagram at all, a quick Cliff Notes version is it's one through nine. People are ranked on like a personality type of scale and what your tendencies are. So again, you can be an Enneagram but not have every single factor of the Enneagram because again, we're all so unique that it's very hard to do, but.

I have found that I'm definitely an enneagram too. And a type two is the helper and we see needs before other people even say them. ⁓ I'm very empathetic. So like I can feel immediately when vibes are off and I will reach out to people individually if I feel like something's off at work, in personal life, in...

with family and I love to show up, support and make life easier for others. That is literally, and as I say it, it doesn't actually sound like a bad thing. And honestly, I'm very good at it. I'm very empathetic and I will act and try and help people feel their best, other people.

⁓ But here's the shadow side to that or the bad negative side to that because You you're like, well, those are all great qualities at least that's why I like you and if you're listening and you're my friend That's probably why like one of the reasons hopefully that we are friends ⁓ or if you're my family You've probably seen me act in certain ways that are like that, but the shadow side of it

is that when your whole identity is wrapped up in being the helper, it feels unnatural and almost threatening to flip the script and to be helped yourself. And so for years, my unspoken motto was quote unquote, I'm the one who gives help, not the one who needs it. And it wasn't arrogance. It was actually fear.

fear of being a burden on other people because as I said, my identity is helping people. And it was fear of looking like I didn't have my life together, fear that if I couldn't carry it all, like people would think I was less than. And you know what, a lot of the times that fear has kept me stuck.

I have become much more aware of my tendencies now. And when I'm feeling certain ways, I'm like, no, like you said you were gonna do this for yourself. So it requires me to quote unquote, and I put this in quotes because it requires me to be selfish, but really, I'm not selfish. It's just I'm putting myself first in a lot more instances, which is what I need to do.

to combat my people-pleasing tendencies. So if you're an Enneagram Two, I hope that was helpful. It's helped me to be more aware that, but also all of us as humans, not just Enneagram Twos, ⁓ we wanna be helpful to people in certain ways, whatever that way looks like to you. sometimes it's very, or almost all the time, it is hard to ask for help.

And here's what I've learned the hard way is asking for help doesn't make you weak. It actually makes you wise. It's actually the quickest way to get back to your best self. And it's the most efficient use of your energy. It's literally the bridge between I'm drowning and I'm back on my feet.

And we romanticize self-sufficiency like it's the highest achievement. If you can do everything yourself, then you're more amazing than someone who needs help with something. And that is just so wrong, because the truth is no one, no one was designed to live life and do life alone. And think about it, even the most self-made person you can think of,

had someone who believed in them along the way, mentored them, fed them, encouraged them, invested in them, gave them a chance, and that's help. And if they needed it, so do we. So does everyone. I mean, even, I don't know why I'm thinking this, but even Oprah needed help. Somewhere along the way, someone either believed in her, invested in her, ⁓ saw potential in her,

and put her on the map and put her on TV. ⁓ so like, and Michael Jordan and all of these people, like people believed in them and put them on the map and did something, coached them ⁓ to put them on the map. So ⁓ my wake up call, we're getting a little more personable here, is like,

When like a couple of years ago and and probably yesterday, I say a couple of years ago, but like life hit me with one of those seasons that I felt like wave after wave. And I'm currently in the season two where I'm just unsure of what I want to do. But what I'm doing right now is in the line. So I'm in a season and we go through seasons. Right. And there's different things that can happen like

In my case, it was loss and overwhelm. And then on top of that, responsibilities piling up like laundry and things like that. But instead of raising my hand and saying, hey, I'm not okay, you put your head down and you keep moving and keep pushing. And people would ask, do you need anything? And I'd smile and say, no, I'm fine.

I'm good, meanwhile, like, you're not fine. And I was not fine. I've been exhausted, burnt out, and one small inconvenience away from crying in my car or in the shower in a parking lot. And finally, and I can still remember how humbling this felt, I called a friend and I said, I can't keep up right now, can you help me?

And here's the kicker. She didn't hesitate. She didn't think I was weak. She didn't pull out a scorecard and be like, well, last time you didn't help me. So she just helped. She talked to me through things. She asked what I could do. And like this works like at work. This works like people want to help you. And as I said in previous episodes, people don't know what you don't tell them. And

if they don't know that you don't need help or you need to chat about something, even if it's just like venting, because I can tell you like so many times where I've kept something inside for so long that it's just like, I keep spiraling it in my brain. And as soon as I voice it out and I talk to someone about it, I feel better. It might not have solved the problem, but it like, instead of keeping it to myself,

I told it to someone else and got their opinion on it, or they just listened. And so in the moments where you think that...

like you're gonna burden people with things, you realize like how many times like, like if you think about it, you've been that friend on the other side and thrilled to be able to step in for someone that you love and you care about. ⁓ So here's the thing that can turn this, you know I like to get tactical on these.

So here's the thing that turns something like this concept into a hell yes habit. And if you want to build a life that feels full and not just busy, you have to normalize asking for help before you hit that breaking point, which is hard, right? Because usually I hit the breaking point and then either I just give up or I'm like, I should have asked for help before I hit this point.

because now it's an even bigger mess to clean up, you know? And so make it a regular habit, not an emergency only last resort thing. And here's how to do that ⁓ in four different ways. First, you start small. You ask for help with something low stakes. And I'm talking about like, me, can you watch my dog for an hour? Can you proofread this before I send it? And get comfortable with the feeling of leaning on someone.

and not controlling it yourself and not feeling like you need to do it yourself. So that's number one, start small. Number two, be specific. People who want to help, like people do want to help you, but they don't always know how to help you. So instead of saying, I'm struggling, say, could you pick up the kids from school Thursday or can you talk me through this decision? Those are obviously just random examples, but

If you're specific about what you need, people immediately know how to help you. If you just are saying, I'm struggling and here's why, and then they have to come up with something, it's harder. So the more specific you are, the better. So that's number two. Number three is flip the perspective. Think about how good it feels when someone asks you for help.

And in my case, I love when people ask for help. ⁓ And it's a gift for me, it's not a burden. ⁓ basically, you're just letting someone else feel that same connection and usefulness. ⁓ So if you flip that perspective and you're like, ⁓ you're letting someone else feel that same connection and usefulness.

that I felt when they asked me for help or someone else asked me for help. that's number three is flip this perspective. And number four is separate your worth from your output. So that just means you're not valuable because you can do it all. ⁓ You're valuable because of who you are and not what you produce. And this is a hard one for me, who...

wraps their identity in being helpful to other people and so I tend to

when I need help, hold it in and be like, I can figure this out myself. And then I just like spiral, even though I don't maybe know how. Like I'm one of those people that like, even if I don't know how to do something, I'm gonna figure it out. But I tend to hold it in and do it myself. I actually get that from my dad. ⁓ He is a very like, he will figure out how to fix something. And

I have that brain, not because I wanna help people too. So like I have that drive that I'm like, well, if I do this, then it will help this person. And I do this at work, like with tasks. If I do this, it will help this client to reach more people and blah, blah, blah. So like I relate all of that to, but all of that is wrapped around in.

I relate it to my worth. And so I...

I have a hard time for sure separating your worth from your output, but you definitely need to do something like that because otherwise, like, you're gonna fail over and over again in your mind because, and you're gonna feel like you're not worthy because of the task that you're not doing yourself. And just because you're asking for that help, it...

It doesn't define you if you don't, it's like you're just more wise. You are not, I'm pausing for effect here. You're not weak, you're more wise. And again, this is even hard for me to wrap my brain around. But if you separate your worth from your output, it,

is a game changer because then you are, like even if you ask for help, you're not seeing yourself as less than. So why though is it wise and not weak? Because those were like tactical things that you can do. But wisdom is knowing your limits and wisdom is recognizing that your energy is

a finite resource.

Wisdom is saying I could push through but I'll recover faster if I don't do this alone. It's the same way like at work when you collaborate with people. I have a hard time like not working as a team, like I really like that, but I have a hard time like if I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight in a project.

Like then I don't feel like I'm helping. And even though someone on our team might be wiser. So like you need to realize that you'll recover faster if you don't do something alone. And playing on everyone's strengths. That's the best thing I can think of is like work related, but this could apply to life as well. And friendships and... ⁓

anytime that you ask for help. Because when you ask for help, we actually model strength. So we teach the people around us that vulnerability is safe and we create a culture where support goes both ways. Not just from the strong to the struggling, but back again from the struggling to the strong. And that's the way that

collaboration works as well. ⁓ Back to Enneagram 2 and unlearning. If you're not in Enneagram 2, I'm sure you can still relate to this. Or if you don't know what your Enneagram is, can also DM me and I can link you ⁓ a free test. There's a lot of tests that make you like ⁓ put in a credit card and stuff. We take one at work that doesn't ⁓ make you do that. ⁓

It's a really fun test to be aware of, of your tendencies and more than that, like if you work on a team or your family and you get them to take the test or your friends, you can start building stronger relationships because of that awareness of how they think, because we all think so differently. but for my fellow Enneagram twos,

This is a massive unlearning. ⁓ And for my fellow like people who love to help people and that's a part of their identity, not necessarily any your M2s, it's a massive unlearning that we have to do and your identity is not at risk if you stop being the helper 24 seven and you don't disappear when you need something. In fact, acting

Asking for help lets people see the real you, not just the version that holds everyone else up. And, spoiler, the people who love you will never think less of you for it. They'll think, thank you for letting me in. And that is powerful. So here's your Helia's Habit Challenge for the week.

⁓ Ask for help once, just once. It can be tiny, it can be practical, it can be emotional, but practice saying, can't do this alone, can you help me? ⁓ Again, it can be small. It doesn't have to be this grand thing. It could be something at work. Because every time you do, you're not just lightening your load.

rewiring your brain to believe that help is safe and wise and just deeply freaking human. And that's a habit worth saying hell yes to. ⁓ And if you do this, please message me on Instagram or message me in the show notes of this podcast. I would love to hear from you. All right, friends, I'll see you next time. Until then, remember, asking for help

Doesn't make you weak, it makes you wise. Love you.