Adult Friendships: Letting Go, Leveling Up & Finding YOUR People

In this episode of Hell Yes Habits, Elyse Bushard explores the complexities of adult friendships, discussing how they evolve over time and the importance of intentionality in building meaningful connections. She shares insights on making new friends, recognizing when to outgrow certain relationships, and nurturing those that align with our values. The conversation emphasizes the significance of authenticity, vulnerability, and open communication in fostering deep and fulfilling friendships.

Takeaways

• Adult friendships require intentionality and depth.
• Friendships in adulthood are based on shared values.
• Time becomes a crucial factor in maintaining friendships.
• It's okay to outgrow friendships that no longer serve you.
• You can love someone while creating space for your growth.
• Making new friends can feel like dating; vulnerability is key.
• Get clear on your friendship values to attract aligned connections.
• Consistency in small gestures builds strong friendships.
• Real friendships require honest and sometimes difficult conversations.
• You deserve friendships that feel like alignment, not obligation.

#HellYesHabits #AdultFriendships #Relationships #Friendship

Transcript

Elyse Bushard (00:06)
welcome to Hell Yes Habits. I'm Elyse, a marketing professional by day and your go-to coach for building the habits that create a life you can't wait to wake up to. I'm so glad you're here. This podcast is all about ditching the just fine mindset and making room for the magic in your everyday life. And let me tell you, this isn't just a podcast. It's the start of a movement, a Hell Yes Habits movement.

It's about breaking out of autopilot, showing up for yourself in ways that matter, and creating small but powerful habits that lead to a big, bold, hell yes kind of life. Each week, we'll have real, honest conversations about juggling all the things, career, relationships, family, and those moments when you just need you time. I'll share actionable tips, lessons from my own journey,

and inspiration to help you stop settling and start thriving, baby. You in?, let's do this.

Elyse Bushard (01:15)
Hello, hello, hello friends. Welcome back to Helly Ass Habits. I, yeah, it is now what, episode 28? It's crazy. Or is it 27? I never can, I should probably look now before I start recording. But I,

wanted to welcome me back. This is like the podcast, as you heard from the intro, that we talk about mindset, routines, all the things that are real, real talk, mostly things also that I'm going through and I'm walking you through and things that have worked for me and things that haven't and different topics. I also am starting to get requests for ⁓ other topics and things that you're struggling with. So thank you and keep letting me know like,

what you're going through, because chances are you're not alone, first of all, and chances are I've either thought about that or gone through it or can have some sort of insider tip around it. ⁓ But today, we are talking about and diving into a topic that hits really close to home for a lot of us.

I'm talking about like 30 plus age women's and a lot of us listening are probably millennials or older. And I want to talk about adult friendships because they're different. It isn't like we have something in common and go to school every day and make a friend, right? Adult friendships are more.

Complex and let's just be real making and keeping friendships in your 30s is a different ballgame and your priority shift and you change and so do your people and it's not actually a bad thing. It's just a reality and No one though really teaches us how to navigate it ⁓ And it's not just as simple anymore as like we have something in common with each other

it has to go a lot deeper for it, at least in my life, for, like, just, I don't necessarily, the people in my life that are closest to me, like, it goes way beyond us just having something in common anymore. ⁓ And so in this episode, we're gonna dive into why adult friendships feel different and why they should.

How to make aligned meaningful friendships that meet you where you are ⁓ Signs that it might be time to outgrow a friendship, which is hard and how to do that and then ⁓ Hell yes habits, of course to cultivate deeper and more fulfilling connections for us. ⁓ So let's dive into that ⁓ First of all, why do adult friendships feel different?

Friendships in your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond aren't about like a shared, like I said, interests or geography or partying on a Tuesday night, right? They're about shared values. Like they go much deeper. They're about mutual respect and emotional safety. Like the people that I hold close in my life and I tell everything to.

I feel safe to do that and that's a different deeper level. And so here's basically what changes as we grow up with our friendships is that you're no longer bonding over convenience. ⁓ So you're choosing these people very intentionally because we realize that our life and our number of days we're on the planet earth are numbered and like,

We just need to be more intentional about it. Another thing that changes is time becomes your most valuable currency. I said, like ⁓ energy suckers and people like that, they stand out quicker than they did in our 20s and teens. And you stop actually needing 10 friends to go out with.

you start like craving two people in your life or less than a hand number of people you can just go deep with. And the last thing that changes is you've grown, you've healed and you've evolved and changed. And that means just that some friendships don't align with you anymore. And I'm sure all of this sounds familiar. And if you're my age or older,

or even a little bit younger, like I'm sure that you've experienced some of these feelings. And honestly, all of that said, that can feel lonely, right? But it can also, I wanna shout out, be very empowering because you realize you're allowed to choose your people based on where you are now, not where you used to be or even where you're going, like an aligning

yourself with people that are steps ahead of you. ⁓ Part two of this ⁓ is you're like, great. Well, yes, you've defined what I'm experiencing. I'm sure you resonated with one or two or all the changes I mentioned. Here are some like tips for making new friends. ⁓ And honestly,

I hate this comparison, but as I was thinking about this, feel like making new friends in adulthood can actually feel like dating. Because you have to be vulnerable and sometimes it's awkward, but it doesn't actually have to be, is what I'm here to tell you. And here are some hell yes habits and hell yes ways of thinking, if you will, to help you

Call in aligned friendships. ⁓ Number one is get clear on your friendship values. So for instance, ask yourself what kind of energy do you want to be around? What do I value in a friendship? Do you value honesty, fun, depth, ambition, humor? Like what are the things that you're looking for in a friend? Write it down and this becomes essentially

if you will, your friendship filter. And that's not to say that this is harsh, ⁓ but it's just being honest with each other. Each of us value different things in friendships, and that might actually be for friendships in different stages of your life, that you have different values. That's even getting deeper than that. So that's number one, get clear on your friendship values. Number two is start showing up where those people hang out.

⁓ book clubs, workout classes, networking groups, volunteering, local events. If you want to meet ambitious growth-minded women, go where they go. It's not weird to strike up conversations in situations like that and everyone's craving connection. I can definitely be better at this.

⁓ And I want to do more things like this. Like people are all craving connection. So it doesn't have to be awkward, like I said. But start showing up where these people hang out. And number three, make the first move. Like send the DM. Ask someone to grab coffee. ⁓ It feels bold, but guess what? Most women want new friends. Because if you're listening to this, I'm sure you want it. You want new friends.

You want new people to connect with and are just nervous staying like where you are. But be an initiator. Be that person that asks that and then you could be meeting your another forever friend. ⁓ So that's number three, make the first move. Number four is be real and not perfect. You don't have to prove you're cool or you're polished.

⁓ you have to be you. I have to say getting older, I am more comfortable with this. ⁓ it's something that I've worked on. and so number four, actually, I feel very like good at, ⁓ I'm not going to pretend to be anyone else but myself. and, but that vulnerability also,

for looking from the other side is what makes other people feel safe with you. So that's where the glue comes from that creates these adult friendships that we want. then number five is consistency over intensity. So you don't need a three hour deep dive every week with these people. Start small and like a text check in a 20 minute walk.

send a meme to them that you found funny or inspiring, like an inspiring quote. Those tiny things, like inconsistently, they build real connection over time. ⁓ So that's number five, consistency over intensity. ⁓ So I'll repeat those. Number one is get clear on your friendship values. Number two is start showing up where those people hang out.

Number three is make the first move. No matter how awkward you feel, just do it. You'll feel better. Number four is be real and not perfect. Focus on that. And number five is consistency over intensity.

Now that we've talked about like making new friends and all the pretty hearts and butterflies are going around my around my head, if you can picture, I'm going to talk about the other part of adult friendships and that is outgrowing friendships. And essentially, like I just want to be real with you. I have had numerous friendships just

have to either evolve and change or I cut them off in my life. And sometimes it's easier rather than others, right? You move away, like your friendship's gonna change with certain people when you move away, like geography affected that. ⁓ But some of them are very hard because you're evolving and changing, but your friends are going in the other direction. ⁓ And so here's the truth though.

Not everyone is meant to go the whole ride with you. And that's okay. It's an okay thing to realize. So you might feel guilty for outgrowing friendships. You might ask, who am I to move on? But the real question is, what happens if you don't?

And some signs, essentially, that you might experience when outgrowing a friendship and things that I've experienced are like, you leave feeling drained instead of inspired when you're with them. You're holding back or walking on eggshells. Like, it's more stressful hanging out with them than it is comforting. ⁓ Your values or your lifestyles have shifted

dramatically and not that either one is right or wrong. I want to preface that but like for you like you're heading this way and they're still back over here and so your values and lifetimes have shifted or the relationship feels one-sided ⁓ and you are the only one that's continuously reaching out and caring and

putting yourself out there, but you're not receiving the same amount of care and acknowledgement back. And the thing is, it's okay to loosen your grip. You can love someone and still create space from them. And you can be grateful for the history that you had.

⁓ and honest about the present at the same time. So like you can still be grateful for the memories and things like that. A lot of friendships that I have had that have evolved from when I was a child to now have had to go through so many different changes and developments and it's crazy to think about because they had to evolve because

But like, were we revolving in the same direction? And our friendships have changed, geography has changed, ⁓ multiple factors have changed, but we have also acknowledged that change and learned to love the new versions of each other. And so, yeah, those are, and there's probably only two or three people in my life

that I can count that have evolved through that. One is my roommate, one is ⁓ someone that I lived next door to from birth, and our friendships has evolved and changed and had to, and now we're still friends. It's in a different capacity than before, but we're still friends.

So again, I'm so grateful for the history and the memories and we still touch on that, right? but then we still make memories that are fulfilling together as well and So again, that's the thing you have to you can be grateful for the history and Honest about the present at the same time if you feel like you're drifting apart from someone so you so essentially I wrote this down because

this was something ⁓ that, again, I've struggled with, I've gone through. if you're currently going through something like this, or you have gone through something like this, or you're going to go through something like this, it is helpful to reframe it as you're not abandoning people, and instead you're honoring your own growth.

And that gives them the permission to grow too in conjunction with you. But you have to honor your growth in maybe a different direction than some of your friends. ⁓ So I'm sure now you're asking, so how do you keep and nurture the friendships that do feel alive? And I say,

that do feel aligned, because if they don't feel aligned, you need to go back and maybe create space between them. ⁓ But here's some tips to try to nurture the friendships that do feel aligned. ⁓ Schedule friend dates, like workouts. Put it on the calendar. Don't wait for life to slow down and create that intentional space and time for connection.

⁓ doing an activity that you both like. ⁓ Celebrate your people. Send the I'm proud of you text. Cheer them on and be their hype woman. Even if you can't see them, you could text them. ⁓ Be okay with different seasons. Some friends show up weekly, some monthly, some go quiet and return. Healthy friendship has rhythm and grace and not pressure.

This is one that I struggle with because I tend to pour a lot of energy into my friendships and I want them to look a certain way because it's comfortable and I realized fairly quickly that our friendship has just changed and we can't do that. Not that we never see each other but it's not as frequently as maybe I would like or I need.

But it's normal and don't pressure the people who are in it to feel like they... the season of life that they're in is not okay, because that's not okay either. And also communicate through the messy. So if something feels off, say it with love. Like, tell people... people don't know what you don't tell them.

That's one of my favorite episodes that I've made other than the one last week. ⁓ It's one of my favorite episodes ⁓ that I've made. ⁓ It's literally, I think, called People Don't Know What You Can't Tell Them, a Hell Yes Habit to something. Anyway, ⁓ I forget what episode it is. ⁓ If you are interested in that, let me know or just search in the Hell Yes Habit's podcast episodes wherever you listen to podcasts.

⁓ But ⁓ communicate through the message. like I said, if something feels off, say it with love. Growth minded women can handle hard conversations. And real friendship requires those real conversations. It does. It might be uncomfortable, but some of the best friendships that I have, even if they are conflict avoided and it drives me insane, like.

We still need to be honest with each other when we're feeling different things. ⁓ And the last one is keep showing up as you. The most magnetic friendships come from that authenticity and not from performance at all. The right people will meet you right in your realness.

⁓ yeah, that I know that was a lot. ⁓ but.

In closing, here's your hell yes reminder for the week. ⁓ You are worthy of friendships that feel like alignment and not obligation. You're allowed to let go, you're allowed to seek more, and you're allowed to take up space in relationships that see you. And adult friendship, it doesn't have to feel hard.

It just has to feel honest, which yes, comes with awkwardness and uncomfortableness. But let's stop settling for she's always been around and just start asking, does this feel like a hell yes? Does this friendship feel like a hell yes? Because you deserve people who match your uniqueness and align with your growth and goals and who you are.

Thank you for listening. ⁓ I don't know why I enunciated thank you, but I really do appreciate it. No matter where you're listening and or who recommended you to this podcast, share it with me. I'd love to hear like where you're listening from, what resonates with you, any topic ideas, text them to me. You can text them to me ⁓ here, ⁓ but also tag me on Instagram.

The only way that this spreads is by people telling people. And I'm over 250 fricking downloads and I can't even believe it because this has just grown organically. ⁓ So thank you, love you, and yeah. ⁓ Let's create hell yes habits for a hell yes life.

Elyse Bushard (22:56)
If any part of this podcast gave you a hell yes moment, I would absolutely love to hear from you. You know here at Hell Yes Habits, we're all about finding what makes you feel good and turning your everyday habits into hell yes habits. We're building a community rooted in connection and growth and your voice is a huge part of that. If this episode was helpful for you, it would mean the world to me if you shared it.

on your Instagram stories and tagged me at Elise Bechard. Not only so I can thank you personally, but to help spread the word about this Hell Yes Habits movement. Thanks for hanging out with me today and I'll catch you next time. Let's keep creating those habits that light you up and build the life you deserve. Until then, go make it a Hell Yes Day.