Real Talk: Dating & Relationships in a Swipe Culture

In this episode of Hell Yes Habits, I dive into the complexities of online dating, sharing my personal experiences and frustrations with dating apps. She discusses the lack of basic human decency in digital interactions, the importance of setting boundaries, and the need to recognize one's self-worth in the dating landscape. Elyse emphasizes that while dating can be challenging, it's crucial to seek genuine connections and not settle for less than one deserves. The episode serves as a reminder to listeners to embrace their worth and navigate the dating world with confidence and authenticity.

Takeaways

• Elyse shares her personal experiences with online dating.
• The conversation highlights the lack of decency in digital interactions.
• Setting boundaries is essential in dating.
• Self-respect is crucial when navigating dating apps.
• It's important to seek genuine connections.
• Elyse encourages listeners to know their worth.
• The episode discusses the impact of instant gratification culture on dating.
• Listeners are reminded that they don't owe anyone their time or energy.
• Elyse emphasizes the importance of being intentional in dating.
• The conversation serves as a call to embrace authenticity and self-love.

#HellYesHabits #DatingApps #Boundaries #Relationships #Dating 

Transcript

Elyse Bushard (00:01)
Hello, hello. Welcome back to Hell Yes Habits. Peeps, you are getting me post happy hour with my work family and I'm going for it because it's Friday and I'm not missing a Friday. I can't believe it's Friday. This week has been crazy for me. So you don't know what you're gonna get in this podcast. I actually think I might record two podcasts today, but.

still in the same place sitting in my room on my bed. And this podcast episode, want to be actually like a, let's call it like a girl talk episode, right? And I want to get really real and talk about a subject that I feel like has been coming up in my life a lot lately and discussing it and my experiences with it. And that is dating.

online dating on freaking apps, which I know I kind of touched on this in my in my February series about being single, normalizing being single. But this is more just focused. It's like a girl talk. Like I said, I'm going to be really real about my experiences with dating apps and just

because I feel like it just, like people need to be aware of what it's like. Cause my friends, the majority of them, they don't know what it's like. They've either been with their significant other, never had to do online dating. Like a majority of the people that I talk to have never, like they have no idea what it's like and they cannot even imagine it. And this is what we're dealing with people. This is what we're dealing with.

And in my mind, I have not given up on finding my person. But I also have completely given up on dating apps. And here is why. I feel like...

I feel like in a swipe culture.

It is so hard to... It's so hard to grasp, and wild and weird. It's somehow, like, through this swiping and us just being on our phones, it's taken away just basic human frickin' decency. Like, it's left.

Like, and I speak from a woman seeking a male. I don't know what it's like for a woman seeking a woman, men seeking women. I speak from this perspective. I am a female seeking a male on these dating apps and basic human decency and the way we talk to people is just the way we talk to strangers. Like these are all strangers that you're talking to. Would you say the same thing?

Anyways, I'm starting to get too fiery. I want this to have like a point. But if you're single and you're swiping or even just trying to make real connections, whether that be friendships, because I know there's apps too that like for friendships, because it's hard to make friends these days as an adult too. But like you, you're really wanting to make real connections in a world where people think.

that sending a shirtless gym selfie or a guy holding a fish is flirting, this is for you. This episode is for you, keep listening. If not, and maybe you're not single and you're listening to this, maybe this could help you get insights into helping your friend that is single in saying the right things and not the wrong things. Because...

It's hard out there. It's hard. It is fricking hard. let me, I wrote this down because I thought it really like establishes what I feel like when I'm on an app. It's a digital dating dumpster fire. It is literally that Elmo.

that like is like on fire, like that gif that people use of that Elmo like everything's on fire or that work one where everything's on fire. It is a digital dating dumpster fire. And here's the deal. We are dating in a time where people think it's normal to open with what are you wearing? And I say this again, from a man's perspective, I have gotten

physically asked these things like the first interaction or worse like they ask for your snapchat and send you freaking unsolicited dick pics okay like sir this is hinge or bumble or tinder this isn't only fans i didn't i don't want to see a part of your body

And by the way, that's not attractive to send. It just isn't. And I have a go-to response for some of those messages, like what are you wearing? Or they get really sexual all of a sudden and you're like, what the hell? I was just asking you like what you're doing or how you are. like I usually say things like,

Would you say that to me in a bar? Like I have said that to numerous guys on these apps. Like would you come up to me and say that to me in a bar? And then if they say, no, and they have like some other witty response, I'm like, then don't say it to me on here. Like don't. Because like if the answer is no to that question,

in any sort of form that they make it on their answer that's witty or stupid, then you don't say it to me on this dating app. It's very simple. It's very simple. There's this strange disconnect is happening right now where people forget that there's a real human being on the other side of the screen. Same goes with some concepts like trolling and things like that.

It's like a digital free for all where boundaries don't exist and basic social etiquette has been replaced by audacity. It's like, it's mind boggling. And here's what you need to know. Just because someone sends you a message, like, hey, like starts a conversation, it doesn't mean you owe them.

your time, your energy, your softness. Like I don't owe these strange guys anything because they don't even try to get to know me. Like you don't have to entertain the disrespect. That's why I point it out to them. And depending on their response, I either stop talking to them altogether,

Again, and this was a shape. I was off dating apps for like three years. I was bored. And so I installed one and a couple, no, it was like a month ago. And once again, my first three interactions were this quality. And it's like, you don't have to like,

We don't owe these strangers anything, but I also want to believe that there are people who want genuine connections. And these kind of experiences, like they tank my hope in that. And that's wrong.

but I'm starting to learn, if they don't respect the fact that I'm pointing out, that you can't say that stuff. That's not what I'm on here for. That is basic self-respect for myself. That's basically saying the same thing. That is self-respect. And it's a hell yes habit that I have been enacting when I am on there, if I ever go back on there. Because again, I deleted them now after that experience.

Because I was like what the hell am I doing again? I'm not again again. I do know people who have met their person on there however I Just every time I go on there. I'm like this is not where I'm finding my person

But here's another hard truth I had to learn. And just because it's not, it's common, like doesn't mean it's actually normal. So just because it's happening all around us, it doesn't mean we have to lower our standards essentially to match it. And we live in a world that glorifies this like instant gratification, Amazon Prime, two day delivery culture and

And like this surface level validation, right? A lot of people that are on dating apps, they just want attention. And I'm calling myself out when I was bored and I downloaded those again, I wanted some sort of attention, right? That's like, I knew what I was getting myself into in the back of my mind because I hate them. There was a reason why I was off of them for three years. But like,

Like I am genuinely looking for something real, something rooted and something mutual where we have mutual respect for each other. And there's actually nothing wrong with that. And the fact that these dating apps are out there and like, no, I'm not blaming the dating apps actually. I'm blaming the people who use the dating apps and what we have evolved this into.

I had to realize that I am not asking for too much to have like a regular conversation where someone is genuinely interested and reads my freaking profile that I probably overthought when I made it in the first place. And I'm not asking for too much like to have like someone who's genuinely interested in me, not just because I have red hair or

My profile picture's pretty, but legitimately because I have qualities that they're interested in. Yes, there is attraction, right? That's why you go up and talk to someone. But for there to be just in genuine interest in getting to know me and ask me questions, that is why I was on there.

I just want to say that like, if it means for you, like if any of this is resonating with you and you're like, crap, I should delete the apps, do it. Like, because you're not asking for too much and you're not, you're just asking the wrong people. Like, if it means sending fewer messages and being intentional, do it.

If it means for you being single longer, but at peace instead of partnered and disrespected, do it. Like, again, this can apply to you or you can get a perspective of what the F your single friend is dealing with because this is what is out there, I'm telling you. And not the only thing that's out there. I'm not saying that at all.

Because like I said, I do have friends, they are unicorns, but I do have friends who have met their person on dating apps. And I feel like it's just like a serendipitous timing thing that you actually get a swipe that wants to meet in person after asking you some questions. Like I'm not gonna go meet someone. I watch too many whore shows. I had this conversation with people at work. Like I watched too many whore shows to go.

with a stranger on a date. Like, we're gonna like genuinely get to know each other and ask questions before I'm going to go on a date with you. But I do want to go to a public place, a coffee shop and talk face to face because again, that's lost in these apps. And I guess what I'm saying is in

amongst my passion on this subject because I've experienced it is I want to point out your hell yes habit for this episode or theme is practice setting one clear boundary a day online or offline because we're becoming a society that is I hate to say it but like social media

didn't ruin people. It's how we use it that is ruining people. Same with dating apps and ruining relationships and ruining, like, maybe this boundary that you wanna set up is not responding to a text at 11. Like, signing off, I have people who put their phone away from their bed at a certain amount of time and,

Maybe it's archiving a message like in your email, in your texts that made you feel small. That's a boundary that you can set for yourself. Maybe it's saying, hey, I'm looking for a real connection and this combo isn't it. Or doing what I do and like literally asking them, like, would you say that to me in a bar? Then don't say that to me over this app. Like I'm a person on the other side.

of this. Like that is usually my point of asking that question because usually they're like, no, and they have some like stupid witty response. And then I'm like, I'm like, then don't say it to people on here. Because it's almost like I want to teach them a lesson and whether or not I do, I'm setting up that boundary for myself that I deserve more than this conversation. And

It's also important to remember that when you're setting up boundaries, it isn't a wall. It's actually just a filter for who actually deserves access to you. And this quote is not from me. I actually heard it on a podcast. I forget what podcast right now. If you ask me, if you message me, I will let you know what podcast it was, because it was a very good one.

But a boundary isn't a wall, it's a filter for who actually deserves access to you. So you're not mean for having standards, you're not cold for wanting respect, you're not too much for saying what you need, and you're just a woman or man who knows her worth. And that's intimidating to the people who

don't know how to meet it. I know that that was also a mic drop moment. You're just a woman who knows her worth and that's intimidating to the people who don't know how to meet it.

I know that's a lot. I know it came from like girl talk episode to like deep like, whoa. But I wanted to tie that into, like this applies obviously not just to dating apps and my rant about that because as you can tell I'm very passionate about it because I've been through it. But also that response will just make you feel

very good before you block the idiot depending on his response. His or her response. Although I have to say I'm not being sexist but I can't see a woman ever saying that. I don't know because I don't date women. so to close out here's your reminder you don't have to shrink

to fit into a swipe, and you don't have to accept crumbs and call it connection, and you don't have to keep trying to prove your work to people who wouldn't even say the things they type to your face. These are great reminders, not just if you're in, like, you're single and on a dating app, but like, also, like,

just to know your worth.

I have to say these things to myself too as a reminder because I'm not hard to love and I'm not

I'm not hard to like.

I can set up boundaries without it being something that is seen as a negative thing. And if it's seen as a negative thing to someone, then they need to look at a mirror because you're just being your authentic self and they probably don't deserve to be in your life.

So yeah, I know that turned into like girl talk into hard episode. But if this episode gave you any sort of like laugh or just sadness about the world and single life, message me, let me know. Or if it just gave you like a little bit of fire, because I want to just spread some fire as well.

send it to someone who though needs this reminder. Like maybe your single friends because they are experiencing the same thing. But also I would love it if you left a review. The only way that this podcast grows is from you, my Helly Ass Habit community and I would love

to get this to grow more. We're already in like 200 downloads and that's crazy to me because I just started it in November and it's just growing organically and it's crazy. Shout out to my international listeners that are not in Colorado or my family or friends but also shout out to my friends and family who I love very much too. But I'm gonna leave you with a send-off like I do every time.

You were made for more than bare minimum energy in your inbox, in anything, in any relationships, whether they're new relationships or old or some guy on Tinder. You were made for hell yes love, if you will, and hell yes relationships and because you are worthy and so am I and

Until next time, swipe wisely, stand tall, and never ever forget that you're the damn prize. You are. Cheers to you. Bye bye.