An Expectation Overload: Learning to Say NO Without Guilt

In this episode of Hell Yes Habits, Elyse Bushard discusses the importance of building habits that lead to a fulfilling life. She emphasizes the power of saying no, exploring the guilt and expectations that often accompany it. Elyse shares personal experiences and practical strategies for setting boundaries, ultimately highlighting the benefits of prioritizing self-care and personal growth.

Takeaways

• Ditch the just fine mindset for a hell yes life.
• Saying yes too often can lead to burnout.
• You are allowed to say no without guilt.
• Setting boundaries is essential for self-care.
• Practice small nos to build confidence.
• Your time is valuable; treat it that way.
• People will respect you more when you say no.
• Every no opens up space for a meaningful yes.
• Reflect on your priorities when making commitments.
• Celebrate the power of saying no. 

#HellYesHabits #SayNo #PersonalGrowth

Transcript

Elyse Bushard (00:01.676)
Hello, hello and welcome back to Hell Yes Habits. Hell Yes Habits, wow, I can't say the name of my own podcast episode. Welcome to the Hot Mess Express. I'm a sweaty Hot Mess Express right now. I just worked out and so I don't know what's gonna come out you. It's either gonna be a lot of energy or a lot of mumbo jumbo, but you're here, you're listening. We're in this together. This will be...

my ninth episode, or is it tenth? I have to look back at that. It's nine or ten of consistently showing up on every Friday and like I said, as a hot mess express, sweaty mess express actually. But I wanted to today just chat about something

that has been coming up for me a lot lately. That's what this podcast is. I'm taking you along on my journey as well. But we're diving into something I know that every single one of you can relate to. And it's also a very powerful word that I don't feel like we use enough or we talk about enough. It's the overwhelming pressure to say yes to everything and everyone and the power of no.

And really this expectation of like saying no with guilt and talking through this. So let me paint you a picture of why this has come up first is and by giving you an example and this has come up for me a lot recently and it's have you ever looked at your calendar and thought how in the world did I get here? Like I said yes to

this deadline that I have to make for work, a dinner party that I actually didn't want to go to, helping a friend move or pet sit or do something like that. I have to bake. If you're a mom, you added to that and you have to bake cupcakes for your kids school bake scale and all in the same week.

Elyse Bushard (02:24.554)
and or even some things are overlapping on the same day and you're like what the heck and you don't want to do 99 98 percent of these things and suddenly you're sitting in your car or in your bathroom or shower if you listen to this past episode I talked about how sometimes you just need a good cry in your shower and then it like washes away and then I feel better

It works, I'm telling you. It doesn't happen to me a lot, but it does. anyways, does any of this sound familiar? Yes, me too. I tend to say yes to more things, or I used to say yes to everything because I want to help people. And so today we're just gonna talk about why we feel this insane need to say yes to everything and why it is

honestly wrecking our lives. It is. And how we can start saying no, this powerful word, without feeling like we're letting everyone down and feeling this guilt. So let's get into it. Let's dial into this. Why do you think that we say yes all the time? I'm just gonna ask this question, of course rhetorically because I'm sitting here by myself, but like, why?

do we say yes when we really want to say no? And for me, it used to be because I hated disappointing people. I wanted to help them. I thought that if someone being annoyed with me or thinking I wasn't pulling my weight, it just made me feel horrible. Like at work, in my personal life, friendships, family, I would say yes.

because I didn't want to feel that guilt of not feeling like I was living up to someone else's expectations. But here's the thing that I actually learned, is every time I said yes to something that I actually didn't want to do and I committed to it, I was actually saying no to myself. And you know what? That started to build up. And I'd be exhausted and frustrated. And let's be honest,

Elyse Bushard (04:48.321)
every event that I'd attend that I didn't want to go to, I would feel resentful and not enjoy it because I didn't want to be there and I felt like I had to be there and it was just a spiral. And I'm sure a bunch of you can relate to this, but I think a lot of us are used to saying yes because we want to avoid conflict or because we think it makes us a quote unquote good person.

And in my case, I'm an Enneagram 2 through and through. And if you haven't studied Enneagrams, the Enneagram 2 is the helper. I love helping people. But what I wasn't realizing is that it was depleting myself. And so I was just pouring from an empty cup because I never filled it up myself. So I just kept helping people and helping people and thinking that like, it's going to make them like me more or it's going to

make me feel better when in fact it made me feel empty and because we think it makes us this like some good person you you have to realize that guess what you don't have to be the superhero who saves everyone you're allowed to disappoint people

Just like people disappoint you and say no to things that they don't wanna do, like they'll survive with you saying no.

Like I'm gonna repeat that because it was eye-opening to me because it's like, they'll survive with you saying no. You're allowed to disappoint people. They'll survive and so will you by saying no to something. let me just interject too with this concept of FOMO, fear of missing out if you don't know. But for a second,

Elyse Bushard (06:53.78)
It's like this one got me, this one felt like I'm going to miss out. And I don't like missing out on things. I have a tendency to think personally that it's leaving me out. It is, like I don't like being left out of things. But.

I came to the point too where I didn't want to say no to plans because I thought, what if this is something, this is a night that something amazing happens that then my friends talk about forever? And I will miss out on that. Like it'll be an inside joke that I won't know about. Same with like work outings or teams that you love. Like I love the team that I work with and

So when I miss out on something, it sucks. like, also, like I was doing something else. It's okay. You can't be at everything with everyone all the time. And spoiler alert, 99 % of the time, it wasn't that night, wasn't something that was amazing that I should have feared missing out on. And...

But still, I would burn myself out trying to be everywhere for everyone else. And that is a concept of why, those are the two things, fear of missing out and then for me, I hated disappointing people, right? So I hated being left out because of that fear of missing out part and I hated disappointing people. And I'm sure that a bunch of you can relate to that as well.

the second point that I want to bring up is, is really like the moment I learned to say no, it was actually like an exhale for me. And so I want to tell you about this pivotal moment for me. A couple of years ago, I was at this point where I was saying yes to everything, extra work, because I wanted to help people, social events, because I didn't want to work.

Elyse Bushard (09:15.681)
miss out on things and I was basically just running on empty. Like I said before, I was running on an empty cup. I just kept being like, oh yeah, you need a pet sitter? I'll do that. Sure. Let me just add it to my calendar. Not even thinking before doing it. And then one day, one of my friends asked me to do something to help her with something, honestly, and I don't even remember it.

what exactly she asked me for. But I froze and I wanted to say no so badly, but the guilt immediately kicked in, right? That like, well, if I say no, like she'll be disappointed and she really needs my help and, and guess what? I ended up showing up exhausted, irritable and barely present to what she wanted me at.

And it hit me later, like after going through that, that what is the point of showing up for someone else if you're not even showing up for yourself first? I'm gonna repeat that. What's the point of showing up for someone else if you're not even showing up for yourself first? That was my wake up call. It was like,

One of the things that I was like, I realized I needed to stop saying yes, like instantly, just because I was scared of how my people might react if I said no. Because let's be honest, the person, we're all self-involved. I think I talk about this a little bit on every episode, but all of us are very selfish. So when my friend is asking me to do something, she's just thinking of herself.

Like if she's asking me to pet sit, she's thinking not of me at all. She's thinking of doing the thing that if I pet sit, it's gonna help her do that and move forward in her life. And so she's not thinking of me at all. And if the people that are asking you like for a favor or to help you,

Elyse Bushard (11:39.672)
truly care about you, they'll understand when you say no. And if they don't, because I get that question too, it's like, well, that's great. But what if they don't understand? And that is their issue. It's actually not yours at all. It's their issue if they have a problem with you setting your own boundaries to protect yourself.

And again, I'm not talking about like extreme issues. Like there's people in my life that literally I would drop anything for to help them. It's a short list, but there's people on it that like, because I know too that they would do the same for me. And so, but those people are the ones that will understand when I say no, because it's rare that I do. And

It's rare that I will not want to help them. It's just like there has to be a good reason. Elise must be like, she must have a lot going on, like, or I just don't feel like it. And so you don't want me there. You don't want me there because I'm not gonna be present and I'm not gonna be the Elise or friend or family member that you need to be.

at that social event or helping you out with whatever you need. So that's great and all, right? I've now went through like, why do we say yes all the time? The moment I learned to say no, as example, but how, how do you start saying no? How did I start saying no? So like, how do we actually do this?

How do we start saying no without spiraling into that guilt and feeling like you need to say yes? I'm not gonna lie that it's hard at first. It's hard to shift your habits from immediately saying yes when someone asks you to do something. But it's also, once you are aware of it,

Elyse Bushard (14:01.337)
It's all about awareness. Once you're aware of it, it's so freeing. That power that you have that no one else can take is that power of saying no. So here are a few things that just helped me and maybe they can help you as well. Number one is pause before you answer. So don't immediately say yes. Say, hey, I'm gonna look at, if it's a text, I'm gonna look at my calendar and think it over. Like really,

if it's in person, because I always feel the pressure in person to say yes. And I'm like, well, yeah, I'm going to take a look at my calendar and stuff. Can I get back to you on that? They want an answer right then, right? But like, that doesn't mean you need to give them an answer right then. So pause before you give them an answer. Don't give that immediate yes. If someone asks you for something, say, let me check my schedule. Let me get back to you. This gives you space.

to really be aware and really think about whether it's something you wanna do or it's something you feel obligated to do. And those are two very different things. Of course there's stuff that we have to do in life that we don't wanna do. We're adults, right? But like there's social events, like you don't have to go to all the social events. And so if you pause before you answer,

or you give it some time, like maybe a night to think about it, like you'll be more in tune with how your body feels when you think about that. number two, so pause before you answer. Number two, practice small nos. And starting, it's basically starting with little things. Maybe you say no to a coffee date that doesn't excite you.

Or you pass on a project that doesn't light you up if you're an entrepreneur. Each small makes the big one easier. So it's again, it's like practicing and riding a bike. The more you do it that you're just going to flex that muscle in your mind and in your body, it's gonna feel good and okay.

Elyse Bushard (16:30.645)
you're gonna give yourself permission to say no. Number three is have a go-to phrase. And this one I love because my go-to is thank you so much for asking me and you thought of me, but I'm actually not able to take that on right now. Coming up with something short and sweet that is like,

a thank you, but also a like a turn down, right? A no in a different way is short, sweet, and you're not over-explained. You don't need to over-explain your no. I used to think too that I used to give a reason like, like, I don't want to pet-sit for you because I, I...

have pets sit a lot lately and I just need a break. Sometimes I will do that with like people I'm closer to but like you don't need to go into this explanation just be like I have a lot going on right now. Thank you for thinking of me. You can do this for events, for obligations, for favors that friends are asking you. Short, sweet and you don't need to over explain your no. You don't need to say you're sorry also like

Remember not to say you're sorry because Then you're like thinking that it's a bad thing right in your mind that you're saying no and it's not you have the permission to do that So number three is have that go-to phrase that like is in your mind. That's just easy practice it in front of a mirror or just in little nose that that you can

Come up with something that feels good to you, sounds like you, that you could put in a text or say out loud. Number four is remind yourself what you're saying yes to instead. So flip the script and every time you say no, you're actually saying yes to something else. So remember that. Every time you're saying no, you're actually saying yes to something else. Like peace.

Elyse Bushard (18:53.613)
energy, your time with people that you enjoy, like your family, your friends, or just rest and sleep. Like you're saying yes to those things, those things that fire you up. Or it's a trade off, right? So like if I said yes to going to the social event, I wouldn't get to go for my walk.

or my scheduled workout or something like that. So you're saying yes to caring for your body and your mindset and just flip the script there. And that's like a mindset hack or tweak there is just remind yourself what you're saying yes to instead of what you're saying no to. So here's a little exercise. I debated whether I was gonna include this or not, but.

I, this week, I wanna make this kind of like interactive. I wanna help you guys through this because I know it's something that everyone struggles with. And us as like millennial women, which is a lot of you listening to this, or just as women in general, we tend to have problems saying no to things. We feel like we're disappointing people. And this is also a generational thing, because I've had conversations with my mom about this as well. And...

I know that women struggle with this. So here's a little exercise. This week, I want you to write down your top three priorities. And then when someone asks you to do something, ask yourself, does this align with those three priorities that you wrote down at the beginning of the week? If it doesn't, then that's a no.

I know it's very simple, but it also can just reframe. It also can give you kind of just like, not reframe, but like a guidebook of how to put this into practice in your life. Because I don't want this podcast to just be me spouting you examples. I know the examples help, but like, if you can't relate to something, I want this to be personalized to you.

Elyse Bushard (21:18.594)
and how you can integrate this and say no, because no is such a powerful word. And it's not, it's not like talked about enough how much that women especially feel like they need to say yes. So, but what is the, what's the end game here? What happens when you start saying no? I wanna talk a little bit about this as well is,

Like, because you know what's wild is that once you start saying no, people respect you more. They realize your time is valuable because you treat it that way. And I used to be like, anytime someone would ask me, like, what are you doing this weekend? Not very much. And like, no, you have plans during you have priorities and goals.

that you're working towards. so I started, well, I'm cleaning and I'm doing like all of that stuff, but I'm also like working on this and I'm doing this. And it started more, like once you have like a full schedule and things like that, people just start viewing you as a busy person. And that can help you.

because they realize your time is valuable. So they might not ask you to do things and take advantage of you. Because essentially, if you give people a window, the wrong people, if you give people like a crack into your life, like in a door, like an open door, and you keep opening it wider by saying yes and yes and yes and yes,

They're just gonna assume that you don't have, like you're not busy like them. And they're going to keep asking you things which can be assumed and viewed as them taking advantage of you. I say this like from experience. I have had this happen to me numerous times in numerous parts of my life, in middle school, high school.

Elyse Bushard (23:44.247)
college Adult life like people will do that because like I said before people are very self-involved and I don't say that to attack anyone because I'm Self-involved as well. Like we all have a lot going on in our life. We're selfish, but we also like need to realize that

The power of you saying no and you

like you valuing your time more and your schedule more is that they like they near that the people in your life near that they realize your time is valuable because you treat it that way and let me tell you though the first time that you say no and you stick to it it feels so good you're going to feel lighter

you're going to feel more in control and you're gonna feel more, or way less, not more less, way less resentful. So for me, saying no has meant more time for things that truly light me up and make me say hell yes, because you know that's what we do on this podcast. More energy for my friends and family and people that I care about, my goals.

and just being happier and the less frazzled, if you will, human. And isn't that what we're all after? A life that feels like a big fat hell yes?

Elyse Bushard (25:37.854)
I mean, I'm just pausing there because it's like, yeah, that's what we're all after. And the power of this word, no, is it will transform you when you say no to more things that don't light you up. And you just don't have room for it in your life because we only get one life here. We only get one life. So let's make it.

one that makes us say hell yes.

Let's practice this. Like, let's be more aware. You know when someone asks you something and your body clenches up, your energy kind of shifts, you know when you don't want to do something. I can't tell you that, but you know deep down when someone asks you and you don't automatically say yes and then regret it later, you know that feeling that I'm talking about because you guys are my people, but you also know

Like I know when I say yes to something, was like, damn it, I shouldn't have said yes right away. Like, and I've even gone so far as I've said yes to something and then I backtrack and been like, you know what? I looked at my schedule and this is gonna be too much for me. And if they're the right people, like you're surrounding yourself with the right people, they will understand. They will understand because they love you and they know you.

So let's practice saying no this word and Even if it's just a small thing like it all adds up And my gosh, I'm so fired up right now this this I can't wait to hear what you think about this episode I can't wait to hear your stories about or your issues I'd love to discuss anything that you guys are having issues

Elyse Bushard (27:43.769)
saying no to what your hiccups are with this process. But also thank you so much for tuning in. This podcast has been a great platform for me. I can't believe I'm over 100 downloads. Thank you for being here with me. But let's celebrate saying no and those boundaries we put up because

You deserve a life that feels amazing and is that big fat hell yes.

Go press your week and remember saying no to others is saying yes to you. I'll see you next time. Love you guys.